The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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