omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
only you would photoshop your dick
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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