and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
