Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize