I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Randomize
