The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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