Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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