a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
