I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize