i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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