my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
