Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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