I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
