I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
