Yo dont text me then not text me
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
