By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize