How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
