I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
