Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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