Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
