Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
