Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize