Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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