at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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