I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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