woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
