I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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