Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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