It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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