So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
