Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
