I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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