why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My cat gives me a boner
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
