Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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