Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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