bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
