I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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