Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
