I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
two words...techno handjob
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
