John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
