The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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