Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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