i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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