i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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