I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
