Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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