Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
