This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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