He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
