You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
