I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
