my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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