I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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