my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I met the friendliest cop last night
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
