My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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