dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
