Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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