You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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