I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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