Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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