I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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