Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
