I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
