at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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