It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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