I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
