i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
