bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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