how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
