woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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