Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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