dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
