Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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